Christmas in Aperture
by Shius
Summary: Ah Christmas. An ever prevalent holiday, even in the dark, deep undergrounds of Aperture Science. ...Well, not really. In his small, messy office cubicle, a certain Doug Rattmann listens to the pre-recorded messages of it's long-lost CEO, Cave Johnson as he lays down the rules of Aperture Christmas, one day after it's ended.


_Author's Note: So, here's the result of me wanting to do something Christmas-y. It was originally gonna be a short collection of four stories set in the chronological order of the events in Aperture, each starring four different characters - Cave, Glados, Chell, and Wheatley - but the first story turned out too long and I ran out of time before I could post it by the 25th. So it became a standalone. Of course I _could_ add the other chapters if you guys wanted me to, but it would be a little late for Christmas. Or would it?_

_Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this crack fic. By the way, it's my first time writing Cave Johnson, and I'm not sure if I got him right. Don't think I did. SO don't expect anything special. He's just waaay to eccentric for me to comprehend._

* * *

"-Merry Christmas!"

Henry boomed joyously, small bits and pieces of confetti falling from his now-opened left hand and the faint, pathetic honk of a noise maker echoing from a small paper device in his mouth.

In the small, cramped, messy office cubicle, Doug stared at the older scientist in silence.  
Idly he wondered if he was seeing thing again, or if the tough work quota set by Cave Johnson had finally begun affecting his poor co-worker in the head. Without much doubt, he quickly decided it was the latter.

"…Henry, it's the 26th." Doug replied after some time, complete exasperation embedded on his face. "It's not Christmas anymore."

"But Cave Johnson says it is." Henry returned with a shrug. "You know it's mandatory for all employees to celebrate holidays necessary to science and cake, right?"

Before Doug could retort to the man (possibly with something on the lines of; "If it had been mandatory to _celebrate _Christmas_,_ then we would've gotten a goddamn day _off_ work_. Yesterday._") The office speakers flipped on, the sound of radio-like static and Cave Johnson's throaty voice cutting him off.

"_Cave Johnson here," _Their long-past CEO began. _"So, I've been hearing some rumours that you lab-boys wanted Christmas. In particular, a short, Christmas break."_

"_-Well, I've been thinking about that." _He continued after a small pause. _"After all the complaints of Aperture Science overworking employees – from the lazy employees who obviously didn't deserve the job – several threats to take these abuse cases to court – all of them fruitless, (and fired) of course – and some very interesting input from this one charming fellow in a red suit who claimed to have come from the north pole, I've reached to one conclusion. And now here's something I want _you_ to consider."_

"_What would you think," _He paused, _"If Santa- or the designated delivery man of presents, like your parents – or in some households, the automatic monkey shaped maintenance bot – didn't come to your doorstep on Christmas?"_

"_What would you think if the new Aperture Sentry Turret you'd been promised on Christmas hadn't been fully completed, and you instead received a small piece of paper concealed by other, wrapped, misleading boxes, with the words- 'Sorry for the false promise, here's a lemon.' Written on it? What would you think if that happened to you?"_

"_Here in Aperture Science, we don't make false promises. We make Science! And science doesn't wait for Christmas to pass! Science waits for nothing!"_

"_So here's my decision." _Cave Johnson coughed, then cleared his throat. _"…We celebrate Christmas, just like in every other company. But with SCIENCE, and CAKE!"_

"_Today is your lucky day! From here on, on the 26__th__ of December – that is Christmas isn't it? – you boys get to celebrate by working a bonus of FIVE hours more! With a free, mandatory, CAKE! Yes, a WHOLE cake! Boy, are you lucky to be where you are right now! -That is, unless you're a test subject. No cake for you until you finish the test." _At that, Cave went silent, and in a voice _much_ quieter than usual, Doug thought he could hear Cave mutter something along the lines of '_Greedy bastards'._

"…_Well nonetheless, have a Merry Christmas everybody!" _Cave said cheerily, vigor returning back to his booming voice. _"Now get back to work!"_

There the record ended, leaving Doug and Henry in an uncomfortable, awkward silence.

"…Well," Henry started, shrugging for the second time this day. "I _did_ say we would be celebrating Christmas."

"…Goddamnit Henry." Doug replied, a tired palm covering his face. "_Goddamnit._"


End file.
